Embracing my body and bathing suit season…

Embracing my body and bathing suit season…


Just let it go…..Let what go? What does letting go feel like? Why should I let i go? Don’t I need to hang onto it? If I don’t hang onto it will I be safe? What am I safe from? Am I REALLY safe if I hang on, or am I hanging on to a false sense of safety? If I don’t let go, what will that be like? Well, a lot like right now and how does right now feel? Well, it feels like I am death gripping so tight to a hope for a reality that is not my current reality, and might not even need to be my reality if I just opened my heart a little bit. No, letting go feels like living somewhere outside of now. But, what about now? Shouldn’t I be able to have now? Shouldn’t I be able to string a thousand nows together and create a piece of art? I think so. What kind of art will I create? …art makes me happy….

Weird…I thought all those things I wanted so desperately would make me happy?

Maybe, you should be happy anyways, and then what follows will be way for meaningful. oooooo, THAT’s why you want me to let go. 


* I am 100% aware of how fast and chaotic the above thought process appears…and for good reason. It is. It is not calm. It is not peaceful. It is disorganized and disjointed. But, it is mine nonetheless.*

I have just given a snip-it into my mind over the last year or so of trying to let go of some damaging beliefs about my body and my world. Fascinating I am sure! I have no idea if anyone reading this can decipher it, but I’m ok with that. Maybe then I have successfully painted the back and forth chit-chat rattling away in my “youngish” brain. I think what is most apparent is fear and thinking that if I can just get to a magical spot or goal THEN I will reach the golden egg of happiness and self-acceptance.

For the purpose of this blog, the thing I was always searching for wasI “reaching my goal weight.” I am talking about fitting into society’s version of a “sexy sexy” body. OK? get the picture? (I put 2 sexys in there to really highlight having a sexy sexy body.) I am talking about EVERY single diet commercial offering us what we have always wanted: LOVE.


Unconditional Love FOR OURSELVES does not come conveniently packaged in a 100 calorie package. It can not be found in an app where we measure everything we put in our mouths. Our self-worth is not measured this way. GUESS WHAT? Here is the good news: you are already worth 100% of what you are externally seeking. It is there. It has been there this whole time.

So, what does this have to do with bikini/bathing suit season??? Well, I came to realize something. Basically, for my whole life except now, I have been always trying to lose weight for something. I have a wedding coming up: better lose weight, I have to see old friends: should probably do a cleanse. It’s almost summer: maybe I should sign up and start tracking points…. When I think back on how much energy I wasted doing all of that shenanigans, I feel a bit sad really, and it’s ok to say I feel sad. I feel like I wasted parts of my life. You know what, I already was a hot sexy mama in my own way. And even if I wasn’t I can tell you in the most recent past, that I usually didn’t lose weight. In fact, all that focussing on dieting really lead me to gain weight. There was a point in my life, when I controlled every piece of food, and ya my weight. However, I usually felt starved. Constantly starved. I felt starved for love, for satisfaction, to be thinner. I felt starved for connection, for expression and most of all I think I felt starved for myself. Helllooooo self where aaaare you??? I am here a little voice would tell me. Sometimes it told me lies like, if you lose 20 pounds then you will find a partner that will love you. Sometimes, those lies still creep in. I take an honest look at them now. They are not as scary. Because, they are trying to tell me something I need to hear.

I recently read that sometimes when people emerge from a place of pain or darkness into hope again, this can be one of the most traumatic times. It sounds contradictory, but I now believe it to be true. As I emerge from this place, I feel such deep gratitude, but yes, I mourn those years I spent hating myself. I also feel fear. What is next? I am still afraid in many ways to truly let go. Like, if I do not control everything, then I will be vulnerable. Well, that’s why I am still on this path. That’s why this is all a journey.

I am excited for this bathing suit season, because I am excited to swim, to feel the sun on my face and to find enjoyment in all of my favorite things. I did not see ,that to come first from this place is the only way for me to go. I thought if I stopped trying to lose weight and have the perfect body, I was giving up on myself. The opposite is true. Every time I looked in the mirror and said, “yuck”, or pinched my skin, covered myself up, or avoided seeing friends out of embarrassment. THAT is when I was giving up on myself. THAT is when I was slowly bit by bit losing me.

Please do not think “I always think WOW I look great in my bathing suit look at me!” I am not always like you are beautiful, look at you! NO, still those voices creep in. Still, sometimes I compare myself. Still a group of women sitting around talking about their weight and dieting CAN trigger me to second guess myself. But, then, I goto a place of the second best thing. If I can not get to “I look absolutely fantastic right now”, I can at least get to, “I accept you as you are right now. I accept that I love you self. I extend so much freaking self-compassion towards myself that I usually can not help but snap back into reality.”  If not, I usually just wait, or surround myself by positive people. Like I said, self-compassion isn’t easy.

Sayings about living in the present moment do not just exist because people like clichés. I will tell you, I actually historically rejected clichés, I like to think I am original(sometimes illusions are, ok. Just kidding.). But really, enjoy this moment. Enjoy whatever body you have. It does soooooooo much more for you than look or not look good in a bathing suit.


Here is a quick list of 10 things not related to the appearance of my body that I like about it:

1. Holding my nieces and nephews little hands when they are crossing the street.

2. Planting any kind of plant— making a garden.

3. Using my eyes to see all of the rich colors of the world.

4. Using my ears to hear the music that expresses the soul’s desire of another human being.

5. Painting.

6. The fact that I held my grandmother’s hand so many times, that I can still remember the touch of her skin.

7. The blood running through my veins carrying messages and nourishment to my cells.

8. Dancing.

9. Holding a baby.

10. Petting an animal.


When I look at this list, I remember when I made a similar one years ago as I began to look at my self-image. I think back and ya I thought these types of things were great, but I still really really # 1 wanted to be thin. I guess why I write that, is to say, that progress can take time, but it is possible. Nothing about this journey is easy. But, as I sit here exciting to but on my new bathing suit and I look at this list, I am confident that change is a real thing. It just starts with one step at a time.


Happy Swimming!!! And happy Summer!

-No coincidence I love the water, being a mermaid and all 😉

-A Mermaid Named E.D.


mmmm…I love coffee….


This is coffee from the new Nespresso machine. I am in love with it. It makes espresso and coffee!!! waahhhooo!

I gave up coffee for about a month in November. That was when I was “giving up stuff.” I have to admit, I’m having a lot more fun in this new way of approaching food. Nothing is of limits, and I savor every beautiful aroma, color, and taste. Is coffee good for me? Is coffee bad for? Maybe both? Who knows really. All I know right now is I freaking love it. I enjoy it, and I know enjoyment is good for me, so there you go.  I love waking up in the morning to the sweet distinct smell of dark liquid goodness. Sure, I pay attention to how my body feels after drinking coffee, and I try not to overdo it.  I have to say not having it for a month made me want it more. For some people, they say, “I don’t even miss it.” Well, to coffee I say, “hello friend how are you?”

I went to a coffee demo yesterday. I like to get out and experience different things and people. I thought, “a coffee demo, how perfect!” And it was fuuun and also informative. Who knew there was so many different types of ways to make coffee, and so many ins and outs to making a delicious cup. Here are some pictures from my experience. If you’re a coffee lover like me, you might find your mouth watering!


I fought the urge to weigh myself today, and won.

I fought the urge to weigh myself today, and won.

There have been times in my life, that I have weighed myself many many times in a day. There have been times in my life, when the number on the scale has shaped my mood for the rest of the day. During these times, I have been robbed of full authentic living. I have been robbed of fully embracing my day and my experiences because that number plays on repeat in my brain. Weight fluctuates greatly throughout the day. Weight loss and gain can be any number of things. But despite knowing this fact, I still so often clung to that number as if it was all I had. Now, I am at a place in my life where I have to consciously chose not to obsessively weigh myself. I am doing so many self-care activities and I feel really good about them. I may however, weigh myself once in a while, just to see where I am at. I had an instant last week, where I did weigh myself, and I noticed it changed my mood slightly for that day. I will not claim to be free of all worry surrounding weight, since I am on a journey. However, often making the choice not to weigh myself, means I avoid exposing myself to the possibility of negative self talk that I work so hard to avoid. Maybe, one day, I will be able to see a number on a scale and have no feelings about it, but that is not now. That is not where I am at yet. I have made tremendous progress towards this goal, but I am still strengthening my mental muscles of self acceptance and love. It is different now, however. I might experience certain judgmental thoughts, but now I have a whole arsenal of loving, kind, and productive thoughts to replace the negative degrading ones. I really want to give myself the best shot I can at this thing. Today, I feel pretty great about myself and I’m going to do everything I can to support these positive feelings!

When I stand by the ocean, I feel at home: a reflection on the challenges of communication


I have always felt at home by the ocean. Being there, I know that I am a part of something much larger than myself and much larger than any difficult situation I might be facing. As I watch the waves roll over and over the shore, I think about how it tosses and smooths out rock. I think about how glass becomes sea glass. Once, a sharp dangerous piece of glass that can cut, now a piece of smooth colorful stone. This all happens with repetition and time. The ocean is beautiful and strong. Under the ocean, exists a whole world bigger than the world we live on upon land. I walked for hours today on the shore. The time melted by and I was simply enjoying every passing moment as the sound of the waves became my song. I began to think about avoidance as the ocean’s waves continually lapped the shore line. The waves do not stop. The ocean does not press pause and retreat. This is not the ocean’s way.  Personally, I have gotten better at not avoiding challenging or sad emotions. But, sometimes, interpersonal things feel too hard to talk about with others, or the fear of hurting someone’s feelings surfaces. Sometimes, life can be challenging and people can hurt you. Whether, they mean to or not does not change the emotions you feel inside. Sometimes, you can hurt people, whether you mean to or not does not change the emotions they feel inside. 

However, avoiding the situation all together does not usually make the issue go away. Instead, the emotions or the pain seem to get sharper like the piece of broken glass on the beach. But I think, perhaps if things were discussed and smoothed over, they would become less sharp like the sea glass. So often it is about the fear of the unknown of what lies on the other side of discussing or admitting our feelings to each other. What will happen then? Will we be able to withstand the pain, vulnerability, or other emotions that might surface? I do believe we can. I now know that regardless of how much the emotional pain or discomfort feels like it will physically split you into two pieces, it won’t. I now know that you, me, and everyone is infinitely stronger and more resilient than we usually give ourself credit for. However, it is still challenging at times to have difficult conversations with loved ones, but often necessary. I often think that, if it becomes natural and normal to discuss our feelings with each other, perhaps it just becomes part of the whole process of living and experiencing life together. Just as, each wave is the ocean and the ocean each wave. Challenges just are.

This is the power of the ocean, with its rhythmic repetition. Would I say the ocean is perfect? No, but what is perfection really? And does the ocean even want to be perfect? It probably just wants to be, because it knows it is so much more than perfect. 

The ocean is beautiful, calming, refreshing, and soothing. But also, like life, the ocean can be scary, dangerous, unknown, and unpredictable. Knowing that the ocean can be all these things, but still magnificent, makes me realize that life is not meant to be black and white, perfect, or always predictable.  The ocean is exactly how it is, and how it will be. The ocean just is. It is constant, but forever changing. It is wise, but humble.

I have to say, however, that for me today, everything about being by the ocean was perfect. I went without expectations. I allowed the ocean to tell me it’s story and sing me it’s song, and I got an unexpected outcome. I got peace.  

I should not be surprised by this, since I always feel this as I stand with my feet in the sand and stare out at the endless horizon. But, I think I forget just how beautiful it is. I guess with some experiences that are as inspiring as the ocean, each time, is like facing a new part of myself. Each time is different. Each time, I fail to find words to describe what I have experienced. 

Thank you to this duck for reminding me of an important life lesson.


Yesterday I had an appointment, but I was so engrossed in my work, the time got away from me and I looked at my watch and knew that I would be late. As a natural tendency, I tend more towards meandering through life allowing for the space to get lost in moments. However, deadlines, appointments and the click of the clock are realities. Thus, I must give in to following their rules(sometimes). I quickly dressed and gathered my things telling everyone around me, “I’m late!!!” as if speaking the words make the situation better. All it really did was excite those around me so that we were all now joined in an effort to get me out the door. I grabbed the keys and rushed down to my car in the parking garage. I must have come through the door quickly, because the person on the other side of it said ,”o!” and seemed surprised to see me. I apologized and said good morning and slowed my pace a bit, realizing that an extra step in my step wouldn’t actually solve the time crunch either. The situation was what it was. I was about 5 minutes late. Despite my natural tendency for leisure, I actually do not like being late. I feel as if I am keeping someone and being disrespectful to them. In addition, if I am paying for a session, I realize by me being late, I am not getting all I could be getting out of it. Also, there are some situations where being late can take on a whole different light. For example, walking in late to a meeting or a class and having to squeeze by a ton of people saying, “excuse me, excuse me, sorry, excuse me.” Talk about not blending into the back.

But on yesterday morning I took a deep breath and accepted the fact that no matter how fast I drove, walked, didn’t look at the clock, I would inevitably be late. As I was thinking about just this, a duck decided to cross my path and walk from one side of the road to the other. It was a single lane road, and there was no way to go around the duck. I had to come to a complete stop and wait as the duck casually strolled across. I can’t believe he or she had the nerve to inconvenience me, can you?

So what was the lesson taught unknowingly by Ms. or Mr. Duck? Well, I came up with a few.

-No matter how much you rush or plan or want things to go a certain way, sometimes life places things in your way that you must confront and deal with.

-Acceptance- Sometimes you can not change a situation and you must accept it the way it is. You do not have to like it or think it is great, but sometimes accepting it makes all the difference.

It’s not about the duck. Meaning, sometimes I have gotten upset about barriers in my way and blamed the barrier. This has been a very narrow way to look at a situation. What lead up to the duck crossing, was me spending too much time doing work. Had I been 10 minutes early, the duck crossing would have been just a neutral part of another day. The duck really did not care if I was late or not, it merely wanted to get to the other side.

-Nature is all around to teach us things. We are a part of this miraculous creation called nature that we live in. Trees, plants and all of life have been around for billions of years and over that time they have picked up some pretty good lessons. When I begin to open my eyes and look around and explore, I am more and more amazed by these lessons. When you look at how plants and animals adapt, it shows that resiliency is a part of what it means to be alive.

So I tip my hat(metaphorically) to the duck and I am off for a walk outside to breathe in the fresh air. I hope that anyone that may read this have a wonderful day. Don’t forget to look outside and around you, you might be delightfully surprised by what you learn.

The shift back to myself: finding the answers within


Recently, as I began to speak to someone about all of the dieting/eating plans I have tried throughout my life, I realized something that they all had in common, that I was hoping they would be the external source to solve my “weight issues.” I began to think on this a little bit more and how different what I am doing now is. I am not saying that some of these plans didn’t have aspects that asked me to dig deeper and find answers or new things about myself. The difference can be found in the following analogy:

Diet Plan Brain: I am standing at the shore of a deep river. My goal is to get across the river, but I do not know how. I see a boat. Someone tells me to get into the boat and the how to get across. The promise is that the boat trip might be challenging at times, but it will most certainly get me across. My message is to get in the boat and stay in the boat. The result? I may get across the water for a little while, and end up back on the shore, I may get half way across and fall into the river, or I might find myself farther away from the river crossing then I was before. I might even get across to the shore, but live in fear of finding myself back on the other shoreline. Therefore, I have that boat or several boats lined up to get into if that should ever happen. I am almost always on a search for the right boat, “My solution.”

My mentality of finding a peaceful intuitive relationship with myself and food now: First, my goal is reframed. I do not have to get across the river. I must first survey all of my options with a purposeful mindful outlook. I take in the scenery. Are there birds here at the river? What color is the water? What is so great about the other side of the river anyways? If I do want to get to the other side of the river I would like to take some time to learn about the situation and about my strengths and weaknesses to get across. I may even find myself swimming in the cool waters of the river and find myself unexpectedly on the opposite shoreline. Ultimately, it becomes more about realizing it is about the actually process of crossing the river and not the single pointed focus of reaching the other side that counts. There may be many mini river crossings in a day or a week, but those are just mini opportunities to take a breath and see what I really want. What I really need.

What is different about these two situations? In the first scenario. I am completely missing the sound of the birds and the cool feeling of the water. I am probably anxious in situation #1 and I am always living in fear of finding myself back on the same shore line. In this situation, my accomplishments are wrapped up in how good the boat is and if I reach the other side or not.

In situation # 2, I have fully lived and embraced the experience of the river. I have evaluated my own abilities and allowed the experience to be as much about learning how to cross the river as it is about crossing the river. I have allowed myself to ask questions. Most importantly, my doing these actions, I have found myself in the place I was meant to be. It is about the discovering and learning in this situation that is so important. I have learned that I can rely on myself. I have also eliminated the constant fear of finding myself back on the shore, because a.) I have realized there are beautiful things to be seen over here, and b.) it is all just part of the same process or relationship with the river. Beautiful I will take scenario # 2.

Sometimes, while I am floating in the cool river water, I still get a little nervous and think, ‘maybe I SHOULD look for a boat”,” but then I remember my real goal is to understand this river and myself and our relationship and I begin to relax letting the water support me.

Waking up to the intuition within myself is something I read about for years and envied when people said they were able to listen really listen to their own internal wisdom surrounding food, body image, and exercise. I could use this intuition in other settings or situations so I knew it was there waiting for me, I just did not know how to access it, or I would see tiny moments of access only to be filled by returning to the fear of letting go and trusting.

When I say intuition, I am not talking about some far off land or fortune-telling. I am very simply talking about the ability to quiet the mind and listen to what we need in a particular moment. To be able to listen to this voice, thank it for showing us, and honoring it by making a choice.

During meditation I learned how to notice a thought and not try to change it, but just observe it. This probably has been one of the single most life changing skills I could have found. The messages we receive on a daily basis are immeasurable. From the media to friends and family and even what we tell ourselves. Isn’t it nice to be able to slow down and just notice them?

I am still practicing every day how to listen and trust my internal self around food and body issues. It is not easy and I have many years of other messages coming in. Although, now my attitude to even those messages is often different. I stop, realize I am thinking them and allow them to tell me what they have to say, then proceed forward. Am I always able to do this 100%, no. But perfection is also no longer a goal either.

This sounds like a lot of work? It can be a lot of work to slow down and take time for self-care. It also can be difficult at times to face the painful feelings. But in the end, decreasing avoidance has brought me significant authentic joy. I realize I was at a constant battle before. Constantly battling can be exhausting and take its toll on the body. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to learn about myself and my needs. I will read this post if I find myself forgetting or losing my way. I will also return within and honor my intuition and most importantly trust the process.